Hope for the Holidays

Each year there is a world wide candle lighting service held to honor all children who left this world too soon. I was invited to attend the local service held in our town and was honored to give a speech to our community of grieving families. While it is difficult to take my own advice and inspiration at times, I find it incredibly healing to offer support and encouragement to others. This holiday season has been hard. I’m grieving the memories I should be making with my sons. I am envious of the pregnancy announcements and other women’s  ability to carry to a child. I am grateful for the life I have but I am sad for the one that was taken from me. To my readers who share my pain, I hope that by reading this you may find that you are not alone in your daily struggles during this holiday season and in the seasons to come. I invite you to read my speech and to find comfort in knowing that we walk this road together.

My name is Amy Bowser. I am bereaved mother of four baby boys, Brody, Kade and my twins who I have not yet found the courage to name . After finding myself on this unwanted journey shortly after I lost my son Brody last summer I started channeling my grief into writing and speaking about my experiences with loss. I found this to be incredibly cathartic in my own healing process and it has allowed me to take the magnitude of my son’s death and integrate it into a new journey that is bigger than I could have ever imagined.

While I am honored to be here with you today to share a piece of my heart, it saddens me that these are the circumstances that bring us together. We have all had different experiences in our loss’s, but we were all drawn to this event as we share the same pain of losing a child or loved one.  And if you’re like me, your pain is magnified during the holiday season as you think of all the memories you should be making with your child or loved one. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are part of the milestones we share with each other and they represent time spent with family. But for us, part of our family is missing.

Last year my family and I hung two Christmas stockings for our sons Brody and Kade. And now this Christmas season we’ve had to add two more for our twin boys who we lost this past June. Our pain is still very fresh, and although at times I want to tuck it away, it is important for my husband and I to embrace our boys as being a part of our family, even if they aren’t physically here with us. But every time I look over at the tree or at their stockings hanging next to ours, I am consumed with grief and can’t help but wonder how different our holidays would be with all of our children here with us. I can imagine that each of you experience these same emotions as we gather in this room today and as the holiday season approaches. Of course, after the holiday passes, we will usher in a new season. Winter will give way to the warmth of spring and summer until the leaves fall at our feet yet again. We will cycle through grief just as we do the seasons. It’s a never ending passage really, but I have come to realize that out of the worst seasons and paths of our lives, the hopeless, the desperate and the agonizing days, goodness can grow and yield a great hope. Being here tonight, gives me hope. I have been inducted into a community of shared experiences, feelings and losses. And while none of us in this room would have chosen this group to be a part of, we are all here as a reminder that we are not alone in this world. In our presence, we can offer one another wisdom, strength and hope. Tonight we honor the memory of sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, grandchildren and friends who left too soon. Our presence here today represents our loved ones legacy. They live on to tell a story of love and triumph. That love and triumph is a seed of our strength in being here to honor our loved ones life. 

Whatever your holiday season looks like this year and in the seasons to come, I want each of you to remember how extraordinary your children and loved ones are for though they are not here with us today, they will live forever in our hearts. In recognizing that, it is my hope that we may all move toward finding hope as we navigate through this grief journey.

Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you tonight. I hope that you are able to find comfort in my words and that you will leave here tonight knowing that you made a difference by being here.