Braving the Darkness With the Light of Hope
Not many people are aware of the full-fledged details regarding my loss. Without really going there I will tell you that I could have lost my own life. This was a very terrifying concept for me to process under the given circumstances. After my water broke I developed a severe infection that remained in my body for three days before it had actually been discovered. My body was going into septic shock once the doctor had finally discovered what was causing my vitals to spike. I wasn’t able to actually process the significance of the infection until we were released from the hospital. “You’re very lucky,” they said, “This could have been fatal had we not discovered it when we did.” I didn’t hear our doctor declare that I was lucky. All that resonated with me was the fact I could have died. I could have left my daughter to grow up without a mother and my husband to grow old without me. I was angry. Angry because in my heart I wondered if this could have been prevented.
Eventually, though, the anger stopped consuming me and I found comfort in what I have been blessed with; I was alive. I had no choice but to resolve to sanguinity; the anger had been eating me alive and was ruining who I was. And so, I reminded myself that I have an incredible daughter and husband and that we have each other. I continually reminded myself of this through my daily struggles. That was plenty enough to be grateful for. I started to see things a little bit more clearly. I stopped looking through the eyes of anger and instead found comfort in the little things. For me, it was watching the sun rise as I had my morning coffee and when I witnessed the joy in my daughter’s face after she scored a goal in soccer. It was when we would laugh until we had tears in our eyes because of the way we found our dog sleeping. I found happiness again because I decided to let go of the anger. And once I did, I finally heard the words “you are lucky.” Yes, indeed I am.
But then life happened, as it always does. For a moment, I forgot that life wasn’t always seamless. Our former nightmare had come back, barreling through the door and not letting anyone stand in its way. We discovered that the infection I had several months ago ensured lasting effects. I saw a look of doubt in my doctor’s face when he affirmed the news and my entire spirit shattered. Anger began to consume me again. Every awful memory from our nightmare at the hospital had flashed across my memory screen.
I left the appointment feeling defeated. For the first half hour of my drive home I was cursing in my own head. I felt like I couldn’t control the thoughts that were replaying in my mind. I decided to pray. I prayed to God to give me the strength that I needed to accept our given circumstances. I asked him to grant me peace and to guide us down this new, unfamiliar path as we took measures to secure my condition. I needed something to hold on to and to believe in, so I prayed for hope. And then something happened. My shoulders relaxed and my mind began to unwind. My thoughts went from being destructive to optimistic. I was relieved because I would soon be on my way to safety as I was braving the snow covered roads in my unfit for winter vehicle. I was content in knowing that I would soon be home with my family, with the people who love and support me most. And I was satisfied in believing that everything was going to work out, one way or another. I had hope that our unfamiliar journey wasn’t going to end gravely.
It doesn’t end there. I was relentlessly reminded for the remainder of the day of just how lucky I am. By the man who told me the story about the recent passing of his mother and losing everything he had, including his home. My life wasn’t so bad after all. I was reminded by the sight of a single mother bearing the snow storm on foot while transporting two car seat carriers by hand that confined her twin babies. I have more than I actually deserve. I was reminded again while talking to a woman who shared a love for animals just like me. She spoke of her two dogs with a love in her eyes that I know all too well. I thought about my own dog and my heart instantly became warm. I have people who love me.
It was easy to believe that these events were a result of divine intervention but then a longtime friend and co-worker challenged me and put it into an altered perspective. “Did you ever think that maybe these events occur every day and you just don’t see them?” I pondered on this for the rest of the day and here’s what I came up with:
There are people who are struggling every single day; people that we know and people that we do not know and their battle may require a greater combat. Struggle and difficulty surround me. I work with it every single day with each client encounter. I see it in the news and on social media. I see it in my own hometown and in the eyes of very dear friends who are fighting their own battles. But most days I am so caught up in my own messy, or sometimes tidy, life that I forget to acknowledge this. Shame on me.
God did not place these people in front of me so that I could come to terms with my condition. I believe that through prayer I was able to acknowledge my faults; I was able to recognize that my anger was once again blurring my vision. And because I acknowledged this, my perspective became a little bit more clear and I was then able to see the world through the eyes of the gentleman who had just lost his mother and then again through the admirable woman trucking through the snow coated sidewalks, both of her babies in arm. The woman who spoke of her pets as if they were her children reminded me that there is always something to be grateful for because despite the hand that she had been given, she spoke with a glimmer in her eye and a smile on her face at the mention of her two most prized possessions . She saw the light.
And so my friends, I encourage you to see the light.
Life can be messy and really, really hard. You may be presented with a difficulty that will leave you feeling defeated and possibly alone. But you are not. Everyone around you is fighting a battle that you know nothing about. It’s OK to feel the emotional repercussions of your given circumstance. What’s not OK is to stay in this place. If your health has been compromised, do not let this defeat you. If someone has wronged you, holding bitterness or anger only worsens the pain. If someone you care about is absent from your life, whether as a result of demise or disparity, I promise it will get better. If your house is a mess and nothing is going right today, just take a moment and breathe. Your life doesn’t have to stay in this unwelcoming place; you have the power to remove yourself from it. You, and only you, are in control of your own responses and reactions. Whether you believe in God, a higher power, or nothing at all, I encourage you to have hope. Have hope that your journey will not end in misfortune and have faith that you will not remain in this place for too long; look for the light. It’s there, I promise.
I will confess to you that I still feel conquered and I am terrified of the unknown. I am headed down an unfamiliar path, but I have faith that my care is in the finest hands and I have been assured that this is reversible. My friends, this is only a barrier. I will overcome this. The misfortunes of your own life are just barriers and you, too, will overcome this. You just have to look for the light.
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