The Tsunami of Self-Doubt

“The tsunami of self-doubt rolls in when we’re in the midst of a huge leap forward. Let it carry you back to your beginner mind.” -Dana Childs

It started with one simple Google search. I was just trying to explore this new journey I am on, once confident that this will lead to great adventure and accomplishment. But as I kept reading, kept searching and kept exploring, the more I began to doubt this road I am on. My chest began to tighten, and waves of doubt washed over me. I recently made a big life decision that was initiated by other bigger life changes, so I’ll safely say that my emotions are already a little – or a lot – delicate. So, there I was, researching how I could begin this new venture as a lifestyle blogger. Even though I was already riding these waves of doubt, I kept swimming out even further. I kept researching and reading other blogs. The more I did that, the more I doubted myself. Negative self-talk started to replace any excitement I had about this and it started saying things like:

This isn’t going to work out for you
How are you going to write about fashion and beauty when you are far from fashionable and can’t even apply highlighter?
Your home is far from Pinterest worthy. No one will follow your design ideas.
No one wants to read about your life.
You can’t be an inspirational and lifestyle blogger. You’re all over the place.

And then the tsunami of self-doubt rolled over me and suddenly I felt like I was drowning and questioning things like:

What the hell am I doing with my life
I shouldn’t have left my job
My husband shouldn’t have taken his new job
Why am I here? What is my purpose?
Should we just move away? To another area and start over?
I am useless
My story does not matter

You get the idea, don’t you? I sat and wallowed in my mess of emotions all morning. I cried a little. And I beat myself up A LOT. But you know what, you guys? I do this daily. I did it every time I was about to head into a client intake for work when I was employed. A trained, experienced and educated professional who doubted their ability to actually be able to help someone in need. I do it every time I enter a crowded room. A woman who loves people, loves to talk and to make people laugh, doubts her ability to have a conversation without stumbling over her words. I do it when I get dressed in the morning, or when I get a new haircut and color. I do it when I meet someone new. I can’t make any decision, big or small, without the validation of 5 different people, and even after it’s all said and done – I shouldn’t have done this, or I should have done that differently. Last year my husband and I painted our kitchen from dark red to light gray. I doubted my decision so much that every time someone came to our house I had to ask what they thought of our small renovations because I thought that their opinion would solidify mine. And get this. When I went back to college 6 years ago, I doubted my intellect and abilities so much that I wanted to drop out within 3 weeks of starting my first semester. I doubt myself as a mom and wife every single day. And today, I am doubting who I am, what I want to be and this season that our family is currently in.

Do you do this too? Maybe you’re doubting your new job or your decision to leave your current one like me. Or maybe you’re faced with another choice that has left you confused about what you want. Maybe you’re doubting the current season you’re in and have little hope that things will get better. Do you doubt yourself as a parent and wonder if you’re raising great children? Did you make a mistake that has left you wondering who you are? Or maybe you just doubt the outfit you put on today and are feeling slightly uncomfortable in your own skin. I’ll tell you what, right now I am all the above, and then some, and I kind of feel like crawling out of my skin.

But I’ll tell you something else too. I’ve had a lot of experience with self-doubt and I kind of recognize its pattern. The waves of self-doubt, big or small, are usually connected to our inner fears. We all have these moments where self-doubt washes over us like a tidal wave. Usually, for me it’s very minute, everyday life stuff and most of the time I can get a handle on it. But it’s the tsunami of self-doubt that hits me so hard when I am in the middle of a big life change and I can’t seem to keep my head above water. Everything I thought I knew about life or myself becomes a distant memory and in that moment, I don’t know who I am, what I am doing or what my purpose is. I can feel myself drowning in those moments and it can be really scary.

So, let’s fast forward a little bit. I am not ok right this second. But I will be. And so will you. I think the most important thing to remember is that you are not your fear. I am not my fear. My fear and my doubt do not identify me. And yours do not define you. I think that the tidal waves and tsunamis of self-doubt will always come crashing down on us, so when the waves hit, brace yourself and just breathe. While we aren’t defined by the notions that we create in our heads, it’s completely normal to generate them. It’s a good thing to be scared and to have fears and doubts because that means you’re stepping outside of your comfort zone. It means you are living. Our thoughts – good and bad, our experiences, these big – and not so big life changes can lead us to beautiful destinations. Let the waves carry you there.

As always, thanks for listening. I’m putting this on repeat tonight.