The Road to Here

Day 20 of 365 and it feels no different than our final days in 2020, the year that changed us, shaped us, challenged us, broke us, healed us and transformed us into totally different people that we were in the beginning of 2020. I think I lived a dozen different lives in just 12 months’ time. 

Last year, I walked into 2020 with the mindset that I was going to live a more disciplined life. I thrive on routine and structure and thought that I’d find more achievement in my everyday life by setting more rules for myself. Be organized, stay focused, set goals and make absolutely no room for setbacks. I’m a type A, Enneagram 3 with a relentless drive for self-improvement. Constant productivity and achievement give me a sense of balance and control.  So, if my bed is made every morning and I’ve accomplished every single thing on my to do list, I have won the day. 

For the first few months, I felt unstoppable. My daily checklist was getting crossed off, I was getting my steps in and you couldn’t see a crumb in any corner of my house. I went to bed with a great sense of accomplishment knowing that I had completed everything I had set out to do. And then Covid hit and we all went into quarantine. My house was in the middle of a big renovation while we were stuck in the house, my toddler was off the walls with nowhere to burn energy, my daughter was attempting to navigate through remote school and I was trying to work from home in the midst of all of this. There went the 5 am workouts and daily planning and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t eat and drink every single one of my disorderly emotions in the beginning of it all. Look, I know – we were all there in the beginning – some of you still are. It’s not that I’m saying I had it worse than anyone, I’m just saying I didn’t have the coping skills to navigate through such an uncertain time because I am conditioned to be the one in control. 

It wasn’t until the cold weather broke and we began to see the light of spring that I started to feel a sense of normalcy. Our renovations were complete, we could finally enjoy the outdoors while social distancing and I was starting to get in the groove of a new routine. It was monotonous and incredibly boring for my “on the go” approach to life, but I was starting to enjoy the stillness. I found significance in the everyday, mundane moments and realized that satisfaction doesn’t actually come from being in control – it comes from letting go. I found great peace in freeing myself from rules and schedules and unrealistic expectations I inflicted on myself. I learned that being disciplined was more about giving myself permission to be human and make mistakes. To toss the to-do list once in a while and let the mess fill my space. To skip the workout and indulge in a plate of carbs. I gave myself permission to rest, to be still, and soak in the fleeting moments of the day instead of worrying about what tomorrow will bring. 

I think the idea of slowing down and finding rest is a hard for a lot of us. We live in a world where we’re expected to keep going — to look ahead before we have the chance to actually take a moment and acknowledge where we’ve been. We inherit so much from the world like the work we put in emotionally, physically, intellectually and occupationally. Rest gives us the ability to separate ourselves from all that we produce in a day. And it’s only when we rest that we can celebrate all that we are and all that we’ve done. Set aside your expectations, even if only for just a little while. Leave work undone, toss the to-do list for a day and throw away the notion that your worth is found in hustle and achievement.

2021 may be a new year, but the lives we lived in 2020 still carry over and we must not think of it as a thing of the past, but rather, the year that shaped us into who we will be this coming year. Instead of choosing a word to live by this year, like I typically do, I am choosing to just be. Because if there is one thing that 2020 taught me, it’s that absolutely nothing is within my control but I do get to choose how I spend these fleeting moments. Dear friends, I hope that after reading this you’ll choose to look both backward and forward and remember what shaped you. The events that took place in your life last year have prepared you for what’s here and what’s ahead. I hope that you’ll chose peace over how much you can get done in a day and most importantly, I hope you lead a life you love – one that involves rest and celebrating all that you are and where you came from.